


But who cares? (He does.)

by deastris



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s05e04 The End, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-07
Updated: 2013-12-07
Packaged: 2018-01-03 22:44:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1073918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deastris/pseuds/deastris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the end of the world, after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But who cares? (He does.)

It is the end of the world and Castiel is certain that there is a bigger picture somewhere and he shouldn't try and selfishly numb himself from all the violence and death, especially as a former angel of the Lord, but isn't the bigger picture what got him into this mess in the first place? He has always tried to do what is best for everyone. Obviously he failed.

It's the Apocalypse, and Castiel doesn't care (this is a lie). Instead he steals pills from Chuck, who is no longer a Prophet of the Lord but instead tries desperatly to organize the camp of their sad little group of broken people who, like Castiel, lost everything. 

Chuck is really bad at hiding things (or maybe he understands why Cas knocks the small colourful drops back like candy these days) and who is Castiel to deny himself little pleasures? He likes how he feels after he took them (with a little a lot of Dean's whiskey, seriously, they all need to hide their stuff better. Cas isn't dumb.), how it is like he's floating, like he's back in heaven as an angel. Everything looks brighter and it is nearly as if he can hear his brothers and sisters singing.

He deserves a little fun (except it isn't fun, just a distraction) and now that Dean stopped looking at him disapprovingly when he catches him high or drunk or both, he no longer has a reason to feel guilty about it.  
He doesn't care that it's the end of the world. He cares that his friend is as good as dead with that thing inside him that once was his brother, he cares that Dean changed so much, into this cold person who seemingly stopped feeling (but Cas knows that Dean would never be able to stop feeling, he knows that it's just a coping mechanism. He remembers Dean crying on his shoulder the day after The Day He Said Yes, he remembers how Dean shut himself off from everything after that. Even Castiel), he cares that everything he once fought for is gone. He cares that he sacrificed everything for nothing , and it's selfish, but isn't he allowed to be, after everything?

Getting high and/or drunk and sleeping with as many willing bodies as he can find are the only things that keep him from having a total breakdown (who is he kidding, he had that one months ago), and how sad is that?

It is not like there is something (someone) stopping him these days - Chuck tried once or twice - but most people think he is a hippie who can't cope, that he gave up hope like so many, that he is useless (they aren't wrong).

Nobody knows who he used to be, only Chuck and their fearless leader (and Cas still laughs bitterly at the memory of Dean's face after he called him that for the first time - proof that a part of Dean still cares. He only calls him that these day to get a reaction). To everyone else he is a stoner and a slut, driven mad by his loss.

The angels are gone and nobody talked about them in months. Even Cas gave up hope. His brothers and sisters have abandoned him and this earth. Who knows where they are now or if they will ever come back and save this god-forsaken earth (him)?

He isn't mad at them. After Dean made it clear that he would never say yes to Michael, Lucifer's victory become inevitable and they had no choice then to leave. Even angels know when they lost a war. Castiel only stayed because of his loyalty (love) to one man.  
Now he wants to forget everything. He wants to forget about heaven and hell and everything in between and he wants to forget how the man he fought side by side with against everything that was in their way became a broken shell, a shadow of himself, how he had to watch those green eyes lose their ever present expression of hope.  
He hoped that taking drugs would worm a reaction out of Dean, worry or anger, anything.   
In a way, it worked (not the way he wanted): once they investigated a city, and Cas had a run-in with a few Croats. Being high as a kite he actually didn't care when they came nearer and nearer (he thinks he even started to laugh), because at least it all would end after they got him, right? No more thinking, no more worrying, no more remembering. But Dean was faster than the zombie-like people (were they even still people?) and saved him. When Cas wanted to apologize later about that, wanted to shrug it off, in hope that Dean might look at him, maybe shout at him, do something, but his best friend (because he still is, he's still Dean after all) just looked him cold in the eye and ordered him to sober up because the next time? He will leave him. Cas is sure that Dean will keep his promise, he always does (except the one). 

So now he sobers up for investigations, but any other time he is back to taking, well, anything, just to stop caring.

There is no reason not to, is there? He lost both his families, the one in heaven and on earth, his father stays gone and Dean does not care about anything these days (but isn't the problem that he cares too much?), and if even Dean gave up on him, why shouldn't he?

It's the end of the world, baby. He is allowed that much and he doesn't have his moral compass (Dean) anymore because his moral compass' morals are more fucked up than his. He started torturing again, for fuck's sake.  
But who cares?  
(He does, way too much.)

Maybe Dean cares. It's so engrained into him that it wouldn't surprise Castiel and sometimes he wonders if Dean's reasons to sleep around are maybe the same Cas has. Maybe they both want to forget maybe they both want comfort. It's a shame that they have never found it in eachother's arms. Now it's too late. Cas doubts that Dean would touch him (again) because Dean always thought that Cas is good and pure and he is bad and dirty and he wouldn't want to corrupt Cas (more than he already did).

He isn't mad at Dean, really, but he is mad at God, who left him, and at the circumstances that led to their present. He is mad at himself - it seems that he does nothing in the right way, that he is never successful. He couldn't prevent the Apocalypse. He couldn't prevent Sam from saying yes. He changed his mind too late. Most importantly, he couldn't prevent Dean from breaking even more, although he made a promise to protect him. Now he's human, and he's useless. 

So he is not surprised at all when Dean sends them all on a suicide mission. 

There is a bigger picture and when there's a chance to save the world, he's going to die. Gladly.

(He never intended to survive Dean by much anyway.)

He is the last one standing, but before he surrenders to the demons in front of him he needs to see for himself that Dean is no longer there (hasn't he left Cas a long time ago?). He turns and runs in the direction he saw Dean disappearing and there he is, his neck bent in a funny way, his eyes cold and grey and dead.

His gun falls to the ground. There is no reason for him to hold it any longer.

The last thing he smells are roses.  
The last thing he sees are green eyes and a freckles skin.  
The last thing he thinks is 'This is the end.'  
Then - nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is embarassing because this is my first work posted here on ao3 and I am obviously no writer. I'm sorry?
> 
> Bear with me and my grammar and/or spelling mistakes, I'm not a native speaker and this is unbeta'd.


End file.
